I miss this blog when I’m pulled away. Lately, I’ve been pulled away by both good and bad things: work, holidays with families, a long road trip, quality time with my husband, and of course, chemo and its aftermath.
I also have a new protocol before chemo infusions, daily Neupogen injections for three days early in the week leading up to my Friday infusions. Neupogen is a bone marrow stimulant, which does appear to be boosting my blood counts well, so that my numbers are high enough for the next round of chemo. Unfortunately, Neupogen causes fatigue and really uncomfortable bone pain, like sharp stabbing pains in my hips, pelvis, and spine. It generally makes me feel like I’m coming down with a bad cold or flu, which certainly isn’t fun when I know I have to end the week with disgusting chemo delirium. Also, the needle gauge on my Neupogen syringes is tricky, and I often have to grit my teeth and slowly push the thick needle in against the resistance of my own belly skin. Let me tell you, that’s the sort of thing that easily gives one the heebie-jeebies.
Fortunately, though, I’m on a more regular schedule now with the FOLFIRINOX, going every 3 weeks instead of every 2. This gives my body more time to rebound and rebuild my blood counts, and it gives me a little bit of a reprieve in between rounds. Tomorrow will be my fourth round of FOLFIRINOX, after which I’ll have a CT scan and follow-up with my oncologist. That, finally, will give us some indication whether the FOLFIRINOX is working, or at least working well enough to continue. I’m looking forward to this scan because it’s even harder than I thought it would be to put myself through poison hell without knowing for sure that it’s actually killing my cancer. But I’m also apprehensive about this scan because there’s always a chance it could reveal bad news, and send me right back to the drawing board. I need to be prepared for another shakeup, just in case I do suddenly have to switch chemo regimens again. But as much as I hate FOLFIRINOX, I think I’d rather settle into a routine with it than have to start all over again so soon. So I’m just waiting out my scanxiety, tiptoeing through it one day at a time, until I finally have the next benchmark of answers.
And as I prepare to spend New Year’s weekend zoned out and miserable, sleeping and dragging my “baby bottle” of cloudy chemo around on my shoulder until the home care nurse comes, I’m thinking about what it means to bring 2016 to a close. In many ways, this year has been the worst of my life. For many people, in many ways, 2016 has been particularly awful. I sense that many of us are ready for it to be over, thank you very much, and are eager for even a superficial reset in 2017. And of course, for many, the new year always means resolutions. I think I only have two resolutions for 2017: 1) honor my emotions with honesty; and 2) spend more time with friends and family. These are the priorities I find myself prizing nowadays anyway, now that I can’t even begin to guess how much time I have left in this life, and now that every moment of pure existence (especially moments free of medical encumbrances, pain, and side effects) is a sparkling gift.
Even though, or maybe because, 2016 has been the worst year of my life, I know it will stand strong in my memory for a long time. I’ve already recounted here a lot of my most memorable experiences from this year, since my cancer diagnosis in January 2016. But there’s one moment in particular that shines bright in my memory already, and I don’t think I’ve told anyone about it before.
It was probably late February 2016, after I’d started chemo and before I was ready to return to work. It was in the middle of my worst stretch of pain, treatment side effects, difficulty eating, weight loss, and general wasting away. But, I was somehow able to take a nice, long shower on my own, which felt like quite an accomplishment, and which helped me feel even the tiniest bit refreshed. I played music on my phone while I was in the shower, probably the Future Islands station on Google Play Music. Once I got into my bedroom and started getting dressed, the Arcade Fire song “Wake Up” came on.
I first heard this song on the soundtrack to the film Where the Wild Things Are, one of my favorite movies. I’m a children’s librarian, so it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I LOVE Maurice Sendak’s original. I also love the indie hipster film adaptation, which is a bit controversial. About a year after I graduated college, I was working in child care at a fitness center chain, and one of my privileges there once I became a supervisor was to pick which music to play when we opened on Sunday mornings. Without fail, I’d put in my own copy of the soundtrack on CD, and jam out to the wild and weird childish yell-singing of Karen O and the Kids (Karen O from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs). Something about it made me feel carefree and powerful, edgy and whimsical.
The soundtrack ends with “Wake Up” by Arcade Fire, and when that song came on my streaming music station that February day, I found myself alone with all my emotions, and with maybe just enough energy to dance around, just a little. I wrapped my arms around myself (my shrinking, shriveling self) and swayed, bobbing my knees slightly. I stretched my neck and legs, gently easing my limbs around, testing the waters of my unfamiliarly frail body. Eventually, as the music picked up, I started to feel looser, warmer, and just a bit stronger. I mouthed along to the words, too winded to sing, and the lyrics hit me. The enormity of what life had thrown at me hit me full force in that moment, and I let myself feel the epic weight of my stage IV cancer. I looked up to the ceiling and opened my mouth in a silent wail. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I extended my arms and slowly turned in circles in my bedroom, bouncing slowly on the balls of my feet. I wept for myself, dancing half-naked and eaten away by cancer, hiding out in my room, away from the world and all its harsh realities. But I also wept with pride, because I was still alive, I was still a person, I was still myself. By the end of the song, I felt, somehow, that I could do it, I could live through cancer, I could come out on the other side, I could be true to myself through it all. And this memory stands out to me now, as I think back on the enormity of 2016, because what I felt in that moment is exactly what has gotten me through this year: